[7/23/24]

2bedman is up. that's fun!

i'm a bit stressed about it. not stressed as if i am worrying about the site or what will be done with it in the future, but i am somewhat unsure what the point of me making this site about *me* was.

i am not sure if i will share it with friends, online or not. at first, i made this site with the intention to show it off to my friends- "here," i would express in my imagination of the future, "it's about me. isn't that neat? now you can learn even more about me."

now, it is that future that i put myself in, and i am reluctant to share this site. it's not like it's very hard to find- i have not used '2bedman' before, but it is obvious that these pages are my own. my information, interests, and demeanor all line up. i am not particularly afraid of the idea of someone i know finding these words, but i do not see them doing so as the point of these words anymore.

i read somewhere [forgive me for not knowing the source, i will find it eventually] that neocities is a place meant to be used for passion. geocities' existence was built off the passions of people, and neocities, as its predecessor, is much in the same; people should be here for passions, not for aesthetics. i largely agree with the take, but i can't help but wonder if my passion is enough for me to own this website. maybe the fact that i am wondering it in itself grants me the right to be here, or maybe there is no proper 'right,' and this is simply an interest that people deserve to indulge in, even if they seem to have 'lesser' reasons than others may for using this site.

my rambling leads me to one thought: "what is the purpose?" i wish i could say myself. i do not see my own passions much as passions, for i tend to gloss over my biggest interests in my mind as something that is irritating to others at best, and at worst drives people away. maybe that is the purpose. to not be seen as irritating by people around me and instead being able to document something in a place where people can simply click off to the next site if they are uninterested.

and from that comes my aversion from showing people this site. if someone just happens to stumble across it and enjoy it, great. it does not impact them negatively. if i outwardly showcase my friends a place where they can see my words that i intend for strangers and myself, i don't know if i would be able to recover from the constant lingering fear of being judged- and i am not one to fear being judged or watched by my peers. i accept that people will not like every little thought i have. this just feels different, though.

so, really, who has this site been put up for?

myself, i suppose.